struggling thoughts

This morning I woke up (then hit snooze, and woke up then hit snooze, and woke up) for an audition. My initial thought this morning was that I didn't want to go. What's the point of going, especially if I can't even accept it if I get in because I'm in school for another year. 

It made me wonder if this is the mentality that I should have if I want to be a professional. I should be up and at 'em and ready to do each audition that is thrown at me. 

That's what I thought this morning. 

But I think the reality of it all is that this is my work, my job. There are times that people in business wake up in the morning and don't  want to do their 9-5 shift, or whatever the circumstances. That's life. Sometimes we don't want to do things. But we have to anyways. We must do it in order to learn. 

That's why I am going to this audition today. Not because I want this gig. But because I want to learn. I want to learn for myself (instead of desperately searching online about whether you should go to an audition you know you can't accept... and, yes, I did just that.) I want to figure out on my own how to say no or turn down an opportunity, if it comes to that. I need to figure out on my own what path I am wanting to take; what path is best for me and not some preconceived idea of what a dance major who's senior year is quickly approaching should be doing. I'LL DO WHAT I WANT. But in all seriousness...by going to these auditions, and not going to auditions, and realizing what kind of people I want to be working with and around, and the atmosphere I best fit into, is the only way I will figure out my own path.

Just some Saturday morning thoughts.

on change, adaptation, and evolving

Yesterday I spent a beautiful day full of conversation, realization, and contemplation with my friend Hannah. 

We discussed much of the future. 

Not too long ago, the future (1 year, 5, 10 years down the road) was intimidating to think about. Now thinking about what the future holds is quite exciting (and still a bit frightening). The opportunities I am realizing I can make for myself are endless--for the most part. I have been thinking about options for side jobs and stabilizers which led me to thinking about whether I am cut out to be a cut-throat competitor in this field. Will my soul still be fed if I am constantly hustling. I am continuously thinking long and hard about the art of auditioning. It is a skill in itself. And it takes much practicing. My most recent questions have been about whether I want to be a professional auditioner. I guess I will know if that is what I want once I experience the art of and gain a better skill of auditioning.

 I've thought about my other skills and hobbies and how I can apply them and relate them to my infinite passion for dance. These thoughts have been validating to what I am wanting (for the time being). But today I watched countless videos of past dance concerts of my college career with my grandma. And that was validating too. I could feel every emotion flood back into my memory as the movement grew back into my bones. In that exact moment, I have never felt more inclined that this is exactly what I was made to do. 

I am still figuring things out in regards to what I am wanting. And I have much research yet to do. But I am feeling enlightened that I am in fact on the track, and I am content. There are many things unknown, yet isn't that how it will forever remain?

I've never really thought much about what a "calling" is. But this, I do believe, for better and for worse, is my calling.

manhattan - learning experiences

 The past week I spent my time exploring the great beyond: new york city. I arrived Saturday afternoon to an empty apartment and already within thirty minutes of being there, felt lonesome. Of course, I hear all the time "it's such an odd feeling, having so many people surrounding you in the city but feeling the most lonely I've ever felt". I kind of understood what those people meant at that moment. Instantly, I realized how many people I know who are in the city and snapped out of it and got out there and explored. 

It was such a time for learning, experiencing New York City alone. I truly got to know the city and truly got to know myself and what I am wanting from my life at this moment. I met up with some old friends and made a bundle of new friends, connections that will never fade. 

The dance intensive that I was with during this time was called ArchCore40; a program under the direction of Jennifer Archibald, who chooses 40 dancers with the potential and passion to gain knowledge about (and hopefully survive) the dance industry. A brilliant experience. Not only did we experience the performing aspect, but we absorbed so much useful information about this industry; Injury prevention, chatted with an agent, experienced a surprise audition--woof--,break dancing, voguing, and acting for dancers classes amongst incredible hip hop and contemporary classes, a photo shoot, a music video shoot, and all kinds of professional development opportunities, including putting a showcase together in less than 4 hours. It truly was a career changing experience. I learned so much about the dance world and what I want from it and I learned to dive deeper into my own intellectual core. 

On the fourth, the city was nearly empty (by nearly I mean still lots of people). But the subways were moving much quicker than usual because of the lessened time spent keeping doors open longer for more people. My commute time on Friday was beyond fast, it was mind boggling. Then at night, some friends from the intensive and I found where the people of New York City were hiding all day. Brooklyn Bridge Park was jam packed for fireworks that night. We didn't see more than ten whole fireworks because of such the crowd that the show was blocked by a plethora of buildings, people, and trees. But for me, it didn't matter the view I had. I was in the company of some amazing talent and incredible humans that I can call new friends. A night filled with great conversation, excitement, and the hussle and bussle of city life on the day of independence.

I spent other parts of my trip catching up with old friends. A best friend of mine from high school is in the city for the summer doing an internship so I was fortunate enough to spend significant time with her. Oakville gals taking on the big city, glorious. And a seriously good friend from college (my intellectual twin) with whom I stayed in the city this week got to catch up over brunch and dinner a couple of days out of our busy lives. Always a good person to catch up with and discuss our lives and life in general. 

Overall, my trip was a grand ole time, a mix of ups and downs, lost and found (and then somewhat lost again), highs and lows, and most importantly constantly learning and creating and exploring.